


Which Has Lain with Roses

by the_rck



Category: Shoujo Kakumei Utena | Revolutionary Girl Utena
Genre: F/F, Goddesses, Introspection, Lucid Dreaming, Memories, Post-Canon, Questing, Witches, holding onto hope
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-08
Updated: 2020-09-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:14:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26354815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_rck/pseuds/the_rck
Summary: Anthy dreams about Utena every night. That's a choice Anthy makes over and over and over. It's a better choice than the ones she made over and over and over for her brother.
Relationships: Himemiya Anthy/Tenjou Utena
Comments: 7
Kudos: 24
Collections: We Die Like Fen 4: We Lived to Die Afen





	Which Has Lain with Roses

**Author's Note:**

  * For [cricket_aria](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cricket_aria/gifts).



> This got weird and introspective in ways that I didn't expect. I actually set out to have Anthy find Utena. I'm sure that happens eventually because I prefer to believe in happy endings, but Anthy needs to travel a long road to get there.
> 
> The title is from Amy Levy's "The Dream."

Anthy dreams about Utena every night. That's a choice Anthy makes over and over and over. It's a better choice than the ones she made over and over and over for her brother.

Anthy dreams about Utena. They walk through roses. Utena duels the same people again. They whisper secrets as they prepare for sleep. Most of the time, Anthy replays things as they actually happened because, every time she changes things too much or even lets her focus wander as she falls asleep, she forgets a little of the truth.

Dancing with Utena among stars and roses was amazing, but she's never going to be able to get the thing with turning into cars out of her head.

Which means that she sometimes dreams of Utena's betrayal. And of her own. Utena had at least had ignorance as an excuse.

Utena always hurt people most when she acted in ignorance.

Anthy is certain that she always knew that breaking Ohtori would require a willing sacrifice. At least... She isn't always sure what she knew then. She knows the price now, and she's not sure how it wasn't always obvious.

Akio always wanted the ones who held something tight. He hadn't understood that the only way for him and his sister to get their hands out of the trap was by letting go of what they'd gripped in their fists.

Anthy sometimes wonders if Akio understood that once upon a time, back at the beginning. The thing Anthy hadn't been willing to let go of was all of the reflections of Akio's life.

She tries not to think about how long it will take before the last mirror shatters. They will, inevitably. Ohtori isn't a closed system or a perpetual motion machine.

Even the Witch can't manage that. No longer needing to try still startles Anthy when she remembers it. She has power for so many things now, things she never before considered doing.

The Witch put all of her power, eons of it, into making and maintaining Ohtori. Every bit of it held a little of her brother. The Witch had meant to create symbiosis; it had become--

Akio was a parasite. The Witch's power had shared Anthy's terror of her brother pain and of his absence to the point that Dios had forgotten everything except that he had to survive and that there was something he once had and now couldn't touch.

Anthy didn't-- won't-- try to take back the power that still supports Ohtori. It's poisoned, and power is like hair or fingernails, a thing that grows back, as long as the body lives.

Healing has been a slow process because she'd forgotten who she is and what she is.

Utena opened the door; she didn't force Anthy to leave Ohtori. She couldn't. Only Anthy could break the chains she'd put on herself.

Anthy knows that, when she finds Utena, Utena won't remember Ohtori as anything but a dream. Through all of the duels, Utena stubbornly resisted admitting that any of them were other than human, so Utena will still be human.

Anthy doesn't know if she'll be able to leave Utena human. It's possible that, when their hands touch again, Anthy's power will surge through that connection to make Utena--

Anthy doesn't know what the Witch's power might do in response to Utena's will. 

Utena might-- Anthy hopes desperately for this-- become a witch, too, so that Anthy could stop being _the_ Witch. They could walk the world as equals, as friends, as lovers.

Anthy might become human, too. She thinks that wouldn't be so terrible; they could both forget witches and princesses and betrayals. 

Utena might remain human but be bound to Anthy's side by Anthy's desperate desire to keep her there. Anthy would let Utena follow because the alternatives would be even more heartbreaking. Anthy has time enough to devote to making that life as happy for Utena as possible.

Utena might become the Witch while Anthy crumbles to dust. Anthy thinks that Utena would never forgive her for that, and it's possible that Utena might make a new Ohtori with echoes of Anthy in Dios's place because Utena-- like Anthy as she once was-- doesn't know how to let go.

That last is the possibility that Anthy fears most. It might even be enough that she'll be able to keep her distance when she finds Utena. Anthy let go of Akio and walked away; she's not sure she can let go of Utena and walk away.

Utena may be happy now. 

Anthy doesn't know, can't know, unless she finds Utena. Anthy thinks it's more probable that Utena still feels the swords piercing her soul but doesn't have any idea where the pain comes from.

Anthy's quite sure that the swords can be destroyed. Anthy just has to find them and work out _how_. Every day that passes without her finding a sword in a tree or on a mountain or at the bottom of a lake increases the odds that the swords are all together, all held by Utena's sacrifice.

Maybe Utena remembers a little? She took the swords willingly. Wishing them away might loose them on the rest of the world.

If Utena's current life is laced with agony and if Anthy sees it, Anthy will touch her. The Witch will take the risk of making things worse in the hope of making things better.

At least, this time, Anthy will know what might happen.

As she travels, Anthy listens to the winds and the waters seeking any hint of Utena's obstinate love. She asks the earth about souls bleeding from psychic wounds.

She hasn't found Utena yet, but she has found others suffering in every way that would make a proper duelist. Anthy no longer looks at those souls and considers how to press and tear to keep the wounds bleeding. Anthy doesn't need duelists, now, to help her bear her pain.

Now, she touches them and lends them strength. She shares her grace so that they can find their own again.

She does this because Utena would. If Utena saw this pain and understood it, she would try to heal it. Anthy doesn't know whether or not Utena _can_ understand because Utena didn't at Ohtori.

That was the only reason that Utena could break the shell of the world.

So Anthy heals for Utena's sake, in Utena's place, and keeps looking. When she sleeps, she dreams of Ohtori and Utena, of Akio and roses, of pain and infinity. Even if Anthy never finds Utena, Anthy will always have her memories and the roses.


End file.
